Sexists, Skeptics, Symbols, and Sepsis

Archive for the ‘ADHD’ Category

Firstly, my apologies for taking so long to post again without warning. I suppose one of the privileges of having a relatively new blog, and one that is relatively invisible, is that not many people miss me.

Something that is probably important to say upfront is that this blog is more than just a place for me to vent political spleen or discuss things that interest me, however important they may be in the larger scheme. This blog is an exercise in self-discipline. I have ADHD, you see, and I have just graduated from college, leaving me with a gaping void where I so recently had structure, and I have to keep writing if I am going to maintain any semblance of discipline in my life.

One of the things you learn to live with when you have ADHD is the looming spectre of chaos. I mean, I suppose you would have to learn to live with this when half of your brain is a two-year-old that divides its time between finding shiny things very interesting and throwing fits punctuated by screams of “NONONONONONONO!” You learn what things in your life you need to take care of and which ones can wait for a while, and sometimes the latter end up waiting for a very long while. You learn that disappointment is inevitable; even if you appear to be very competent in some areas, you will be utterly without the ability to even consider others, and it will hurt and will disappoint people you care about. This is a very, very difficult lesson.

I’ve learned most of my lessons about speaking without thinking, and part of why the rhetorical training I’ve had in college is so important to me is that it has taught me to carefully measure my words. To be sure, they are still often too hasty, and sometimes I substitute an intense awareness of individual words’ connotations for a careful consideration of what a lot of words mean when they are thrown together. Still, it’s something. I’ve also stopped accruing speeding tickets (a common feature of driving records for those of us with this particular form of alphabet soup), stopped accruing unpaid bills, stopped feeling as though my life has to be defined by mistakes that have a lineage in this kind of disability (for the most part, although the feelings of worthlessness that come from a solid track record of failure are difficult to defeat). I’m a Person With A Degree, which I never thought would happen when I became a Homeless Single Mother at 23. (Never you mind the anxiety that comes from feeling as though that degree misrepresents my actual talents and abilities.)

But I’m still ADHD, and it still eats up a chunk of my time and spoons in a way that doesn’t happen with a lot of people. Because of this, sometimes, despite my best intentions, the blog is going to sit fallow for a bit. Right now is one of those times, both because of literal housekeeping (you remember the part where I said that some things get sidelined? Yeah…) and because of internal housekeeping. I need to set up a relatively stable schedule of what I will post and when, and I’m not sure what exactly the schedule will be yet. I think that the vagaries of keeping stuff up will be a topic that I’ll hit on sometimes, and it’ll be personal because my experience with this is personal and can’t be otherwise.

All of this to say, thank you for being patient, and I’ll be replying to comments soon. (Thank you, commenters! ::waves frantically::)

I’ll see you again on Monday if all goes well.



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